I woke up to contractions, but nothing too strong yet, it was still early labor. Somehow we got my step-daughter to school that morning, I don’t remember how. The midwife told us to come into the birth center to be checked to make sure my water broke. This is funny now that I have heard many stories and learned about all the ways membranes can rupture. Sometimes it’s a gush and you know, sometimes it’s a trickle and you think, oh maybe I peed myself, and sometimes it doesn’t happen at all! I remember sitting there at the birth center in early labor thinking to myself, I know my water broke, I want to know where I’m having this baby and feeling very frustrated that I wasn’t getting an answer very quickly as my contractions started to build. The ONLY photo I have of me in labor is from this part of my birth story.
They decided to transfer me to the hospital where they could monitor baby more closely, and finally my contractions really started picking up while on the drive there. A doula assigned to us last minute met us at the hospital. At the time, our birth center provided a doula if you had a hospital transfer. It was something I had been considering but was very grateful for in the end and ultimately became a huge part of why I wanted to become a doula too.
My labor from that point on was, and still is, a fog. I remember bits and pieces. I was heavy into my own labor-land. I remember standing, swaying, and I remember pushing. Because I had wanted a birth center birth the doctor knew I preferred to try for a natural birth and with no more major complications arising that’s exactly what ended up happening. With a room full of students, because at some point during labor I had consented to allowing residents to watch, I gave birth to my son.
Anyone who has given birth will remember those first moments. Meeting your baby for the first time is so incredibly profound of a moment no matter what it took to get them in your arms. Luckily I think our doula asked if we had brought a camera. Yes, I had packed my professional camera because I thought I was going to document the birth myself. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Obviously that didn’t happen, but I did pack a camera thankfully.
She took a few photos immediately after birth, a handful, and one of my placenta that I requested. And that was it. I didn’t get to pick up my camera or have any more photos of those moments until I was in recovery and up and moving around myself.
While there’s more to the postpartum part of my birth story, I can pause right here to say I wish I had more photos from my entire birth. Experiencing labor, having been so stressed out by the possible IUGR diagnosis, making it through the entire experience all the way to the other side, I look back and know my memories of my birth story would be stronger, and mean more to me if it had been documented. And second, I wish I had more one on one support from a doula before labor as well. Specifically in that time of not knowing where I was going to be giving birth due to the IUGR diagnosis.
I know my husband supported me through labor, but I can’t recall it very much, which still saddens me. I remember feeling empowered after giving birth but not really being able to appreciate the beauty that was the birth experience. Instead I only felt like I had survived it. The first few postpartum months were extremely hard. I was still constantly worrying if my son was okay because he was always on the small end of the growth curve. I do believe if I had been given the chance to see my birth story through photos it would have helped the healing process of so much worrying before and during birth and possibly given me some relief from the anxious state I was in postpartum.
I was so extremely thankful for our doula, who we met last minute after arriving at the hospital. She worked her magic in keeping my birth space intervention free as I had requested and left me feeling reassured everything was going to be ok even though things had started out so up in the air. In the days to follow she also came by to check in and gifted me a written detailed timeline of my birth. Since I didn’t have photos to see my labor and delivery (I’m a very visual person), this timeline is my only way for me to remember what actually happened that day. That timeline still means so much to me and I make sure to deliver one to each of my doula clients as well. So if you see me taking notes during your birth you’ll know why!
My son, who’s now 5, loves looking back at baby pictures of himself and the few from his birth. He gets it. He sees his tiny self. As he grows older I know how important it will be for him to not only see himself, but also see both me and my husband in those photos on the very first day we met him.
